selfishness...

Over the last few weeks, I have found myself immersed with the changes that are taking place within my heart. I believe that God is teaching me many new things, and while at times the challenge of being formed into who he desires is overwhelming, I know that the outcome is well worth the process.

Goodness, there are so many new things to write down... where do I start?

In my 2 Corinthians class, we are continuing to learn about suffering, something which continues to prove somewhat discouraging to me. Although I know that whatever suffering I face for Christ, through Him I will be able to endure, there is another part of me that feels guilty and shamed when I am not 'suffering' and seeks to enter into that 'discomfort.' This has arrived in my heart with a large measure of confused thoughts and emotions. While the Bible claims that all suffering done for the sake of the Gospel, and trials endured as given by God are for the sake of sanctifying faith, my heart seems to always take it the wrong way. Let me explain:

When I think of the necessity of suffering, suddenly everything of comfort becomes an object of guilt. Every motivation of mine seems selfish and sinful, and all that is in my life that is not causing me pain, and anything I am doing to avoid pain, seems like a ploy devised to keep me from trusting God. In all of this I just feel worthless, and guilty, self-centered and terrible. Ugh.

The thing that is difficult for me though the most in this, is that a large measure of my motivation for changing any portion of this aspect of my life is motivated by a desire to measure up to some kind of standard that I have learned is expected of 'dedicated believers.' My motivations, instead of being led into conviction through the power of the spirit, are merely more selfish attempts of self-righteousness masked in good intentions.

I am trying very hard not to be selfish, but I am also trying very hard to let my standard be Christ, and not necessarily sermon illustrations or quotes from a speaker.

I feel as though my attempt at unselfishness at times is a prideful desire to take a hold of my life and perfect myself through my own strength instead of waiting for God to direct me.

Sometimes.

Sometimes though, the shirt needs to be returned and the shoes sent back. Coffee can be made at home and a peanut butter sandwich do just fine for lunch.